Lavender
by Kuriyami
Summary: Songfic, oneshot. [One sided love: MarkAngel.] Mark tells Angel about his feelings one afternoon.


Written for Alice Midnight and her love of Mark/Angel and song-fics. She's also converted me, making me have a total soft spot for M/A. So, you can blame her for this. X3

Disclaimer: Jonathan Larson (yes, he totally pwns this), and the song is "Stupid" by Sarah McLachlan. Lyrics are in italics.

* * *

Morning. Mark didn't want to get out of bed. 

_Night lift up the shades  
Let in the brilliant light of morning  
but steady there now  
For I am weak and starving for mercy_

He didn't want to go outside, didn't want to do anything. He wanted to go back to sleep. Back to sleep where he wasn't teased by Roger, wasn't flirted with by Maureen, wasn't played with by Mimi. He didn't want to see Joanne and Maureen kissing, Roger and Mimi canoodling, Collins and Angel's hands intertwined as she lay her head on his shoulder.

It hurt to see that. In more ways than one.

_Sleep has left me alone  
to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong  
It's all I can do to hang on_

Mark gets up. If he didn't, Roger would be in soon, jumping on his bed, shoving him, telling him to wake up and join the party.

He gets his camera. His safety blanket.

_To keep me from falling_

_Into old familiar shoes_

He can hide safely behind it, film whatever he wanted and it wouldn't look weird; everyone was used to him filming.

They wouldn't notice.

Collins and Angel were the only ones waiting. They were giggling and laughing and having a good time. It hurt. Mark smiles. "Hey guys," he says, setting his camera down on his lap as he sits down.

"Hey, Mark," Collins replies, and Angel gives him a little wave.

"How are you this morning, honey?" Mark tries to hide his blush with a shrug.

"Tired." He looks around the loft. "Where's everybody else? I was kinda expecting a full house, to be honest."

Collins chuckles. "Well, Mimi had to go to work early, said they asked her to and she could always use the extra money. Roger's getting dressed, and Maureen and Joanne are fighting again." He rolls his eyes, adding on a nonverbal, 'as usual', and Angel lets out a happy little sigh to herself, resting her head against the cushion. "So we're waiting for Roger to get his ass out here so we can go out."

"I HEARD THAT, COLLINS!" Roger yells from his closed door, and they all laugh.

"Where are we going?" Mark asks, cocking his head slightly to the side.

Collins grins, "Ah, we're just going to stay here for a little bit. Roger and I are going to go get something to eat, and we can have lunch."

"I'm trying to convince them that we should go out tonight," Angel said, winking. "Go dancing or something."

"Angel has an itching to go dancing," Collins said, grinning.

She pouts, and it's cute. "I do! And he won't dance with me, will you believe it?" She knocks him lightly on the arm, and he just laughs, hugging her tightly.

"My Angel, I would be happy to go anywhere if you were on my arm." He kisses her cheek, and she giggles, blushing.

"He always knows the right things to say, doesn't he, Mark?" Mark gives the couple the best smile he can manage, and nods. They share a sweet kiss, and Roger decides to finally come out.

Collins claps. "Well, if it isn't Roger, coming out from his natural habitat at long last to join his fellow friends!"

"You know what, Collins?" Roger says, pointing a finger playfully. "I bet you don't say that when Angel gets dressed."

"She doesn't take as long as you do."

"I'm a pro at getting dressed, sweetie," she says, giving him a wink. "It's just the makeup that takes a long time." They laugh, and Mark turns his camera on.

Roger rolls his eyes. "No, no, you're not filming me yet, Marky. To early in the morning. Come on, Collins, let's go get lunch."

Collins gives Angel a quick kiss, and then starts towards the door. "By the time you got out of your room, lunch had already passed."

"You can just shove it, Collins, because I had clothes all over my room."

"You were picking out outfits. 'Hmmn, this one today, or this one? No, no! _This _one is me!'"

"Don't make me hurt you, Collins." The door to the loft shuts, and Angel smiles.

"Guess it's just you and me now, honey." Mark gives her a smile, a somewhat nervous smile.

"Guess so."

_How stupid could I be  
A simpleton could see  
that you're no good for me  
But you're the only one I see_

He turns the camera on Angel. "Mind?"

She giggles. "Oh, not at all, Mark! You know I love the camera." She blows kisses to the lens and gives a sparkling smile. "Why don't you film us together?" she says. "I don't like how you never get to be on film, dear." Angel pats the couch beside her, giving him a concerned look.

He blushes. "The camera doesn't like me as much as it likes you."

"Nonsense!" she scolds him. "You get over here right now, Mark Cohen, and let the camera film you!" She was joking, smiling, and Mark sets the camera on the arm rest to his right, making sure that everything is seen and in focus. He goes to go sit beside Angel, and she grins again. "Not so bad sitting beside me, is it?"

"Not at all," he murmurs, feeling his face grow red. She touches his shoulder lightly, and he tenses up a little.

"You okay, honey?" She has a concerned look on her face, her eyes searching his. "You seem a little high-strung."

"It's...it's nothing," he answers, giving her a smile. She brightens.

"Good. You shouldn't be high-strung. It's going to be a good day today, I can feel it." She glances towards the window, letting the sunlight hit her face.

It's so amazing. If only he had a snapshot camera, to take a photo. But his video camera was enough.

_Love has made me a fool  
It set me on fire and watched as I floundered  
Unable to speak  
Except to cry out and wait for your answer_

"You're quiet today," she remarks after a while, and he looks at her, a little startled.

"Wha?"

Angel giggles. "You're quiet," she repeats kindly. "Lost in your thoughts?"

"Yeah," he replies lamely, nodding. "A little, yeah."

A pause. "Who is she?"

Mark looks up, surprised. "W-what? Who's who?"

Angel smiles gently. "You're thinking about someone, I can see it in your eyes. Who is she?"

_But you come around in your time  
Speaking of fabulous places  
Create an oasis  
dries up as soon as you're gone_

Mark blushes. "I'm not thinking about anyone." He was always a bad liar, he knew it.

She laughs. "Sweetie, I know better than anyone that it's not good to keep love inside." He gazes at her, and she laughs again. "Pining is never a good thing," she continues. "Love eats you up inside, hon."

"I bet it never did that to you," he throws out there, waiting for her reply.

"Of course it did!" She smiles sheepishly, and it's adorable. "Do you know how many times I saw Collins on the street, and wish I could talk to him? He was so handsome, I just couldn't manage the guts to ask him." She looks down, and tugs on her dress. "Plus, when I'm drumming I usually have boy clothes on. People aren't that willing to throw money to a drag queen drumming on the streets," she added, a sad look hidden under her happy mask. "But then fate came along, and here we are!"

She was so happy. It hurts, a small pang in the back of his heart.

_You leave me here burning_

_in this desert without you_

"So whoever she is, you should get her, Marky."

"Huh?" He was torn away for a little bit, again lost in his own thoughts.

She repeats softly, "You should tell her how you feel." She squeezes his hand, and he blushes. "A girl would be lucky to have you, honey."

_How stupid could I be  
A simpleton could see  
that you're no good for me  
But you're the only one I see_

His face must have been tomato red. "You think so?"

"Sweetie, I _know_ so," she says, and her smile is from ear to ear. "You just need to give love another chance, you know?"

That's when he kisses her.

_Everything changes_

This isn't like Mark. Not at all. But he doesn't know what else to do. But his kiss tells her all she needs to know, so simple but so passionate at the same time. And so sad. It's been a long time since he's done this, and it's been so long since he's loved someone this much. Maureen he fell hard for, Angel he fell even harder for. Angel doesn't know what to do; she doesn't want to hurt him, but she knows she loves Collins. When he feels her hesitate, he instantly backs away, and starts to ramble. "God, I'm so sorry, Angel, I didn't mean to, I usually don't do that, but I've just liked you for a reallyreally long time and I didn't want to mess up your relationship with Collins and I'm so sor—"

"Shhhh," she cuts him off and stops him from getting up by holding his hand. "It's okay, hon."

"No, it's not," he says, tears in his eyes. "It hurts, Angel." He looks at her. "It hurts to see you and Collins and know I can't do any of that stuff because I don't have anyone." She hugs him.

"Shhh, honey." She pats his hair, smoothing it out. "I'm sorry it hurts. I'm sorry."

"I-I just love you so much." He clings to her dress; she seems so much more than this. He hates being like this towards Angel. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," she says. "I love you too, sweetie. I just..." She breaks off. She feels so bad. She hates doing this. "Collins is my love, honey. I love him." Mark knows this, Angel knows this, there's no confusion. "I can't love you like I love him." She backs away a bit, putting both hands on the sides of his face. Her hands are warm on his cheeks. "I'm sorry."

"...Could I kiss you again?" he asks softly. "Just once." He just wants to love her one more time before it's back to normal, back to where he films her silently and holds his love inside, as usual. It's nice to be this close to her, to smell the sweet lavender perfume. Even if she says no, Mark's content with this.

Angel bites her lip. She nods softly. "Okay." She feels horrible. This is Mark, dear Mark, the sweet boy always filming everyone and never thinking about himself. He's so kind, so sad. She doesn't mind doing this. She said don't keep love in, didn't she? Angel was never one for contradictions, even though it put her at a disadvantage. She just hoped Collins and Roger wouldn't show up.

_Everything falls apart_

Gentle, soft. It burns like a blaze of flame. Look at how well they fit together, the timid film maker and the happy-go-lucky drag queen. He touches her face softly, and Angel shivers. It's a comfortable thing, it's not unusual. Like slipping into old habits, and this feeling scares Angel a little.

The kiss goes a little deeper, a little more intimate. It's getting out of control, it's becoming more than it should.

_Can't stop to feel myself lose control_

She hugs him a little tighter, he holds her a little closer. Oh, if they didn't have any strings, what a relationship this could be! The camera captured it all.

_But deep in my senses I know_

It was Angel who stopped it. She kissed Mark's forehead. "I'm sorry, honey." He understands. He was happy he at least got to hold her like that. Later, after she dies, he will smell lavender and remember soft, secret kisses in the afternoon sun. For now she just holds him, and her chin rests softly on his head.

_How stupid could I be  
A simpleton could see  
that you're no good for me  
But you're the only one I see_

They are not star-crossed lovers. They are not long-lost loves. They aren't meant to be anything more than friends.

Mark falls asleep in her arms. Angel smiles, kissed the top of his head. She wishes that he will find someone better than her, someone who will love him just as much. She softly lets him down, and goes to turn the camera off.

Roger and Collins appear as she gets up. "Shh," she says, finger to her lips. "Mark's asleep."

"How did that happen?" Collins quips, placing the plastic bags on the counter. "Someone falling asleep when you're with them?"

She giggles. "I know, how can people sleep around little hyper me?" She kisses Collins's cheek. "Did you get something good for lunch?"

Roger gives her his best grin. "We always get something good for lunch."

"Well, you wake up Mark, and I'll turn off the camera." Collins gets the food ready. Roger gets ready to pounce on Mark. Angel walks up to the camera, looks into the lens.

"Love you, honey," she whispers. "Another time, another place. Thank you for loving me."

Click. The screen goes black, but for a second she's imprinted on the lens, and then it fades away.

The lavender smell remains.

_-fin.

* * *

_


End file.
